Fuel, Not a Finish Line: How I Reclaimed My Relationship with Food
Image from photoshoot taken shortly after finishing cancer treatment.
he other day at the gym, I overheard someone say, “I worked so hard this week—I rewarded myself with chocolate ice cream. It was vegan!” It was an innocent, light-hearted comment, the kind of thing we hear all the time. But for me, it triggered something deeper. Something I’ve spent years unpacking, healing, and transforming.
Because I know that story. I lived it. Not just once, but for years.
This is the story of how I went from chasing food as a reward—or fearing it altogether—to reclaiming it as fuel. As life force. As one of the most sacred and empowering tools I have to thrive in this body. Especially as a cancer thriver of nearly 22 years.
When Food Ruled
There was a time in my life when food ruled me.
Not in the obvious way, like constant cravings or indulgences. No, mine was quieter. More controlled. Calculated. Restrictive. Sometimes punishing. Sometimes obsessive. Always rooted in the belief that food was something to earn.
I grew up internalizing the idea that food was either a reward or a threat. Something to withhold when I wanted to feel in control. Something to binge when emotions felt too big to carry. It was never just food. It was a measurement of worth.
This belief system—like so many of us carry—took root early and evolved into full-blown eating disorders. The kind that leave your body weakened and your mind racing with numbers, calories, rules, and shame. The kind that convinces you that hunger is a flaw, and satisfaction is guilt.
Even after recovering on the surface, the mindset lingered. Especially in wellness culture, where “treat yourself” narratives are just masked versions of the same old conditioning: You must earn your nourishment.
But then life gave me a wake-up call that changed everything.
My Body At War
When your body is at war, everything comes into focus.
At 19 years old, I was diagnosed with cancer.
My body—the one I had fought, starved, micromanaged—was suddenly at war. And I had a decision to make: continue punishing it, or fight for it.
That moment forced me to see food not as reward or temptation, but as survival. As medicine. As life.
It wasn’t a quick flip. It was a long, layered process. But gradually, I began to relate to nourishment in a new way:
Not as something to control. Not as a bribe. Not as a fleeting treat. But as fuel—the thing that gave me strength to walk, to heal, to show up for myself.
I began asking new questions:
What foods help me feel strong, balanced, clear?
What nourishes my body for energy, longevity, and focus?
What choices today will support the version of me I want to become?
I stopped looking at meals as “cheat” or “clean.” And started asking: Is this feeding the life I’m building?
From Punishment to Partnership
One of the biggest transformations in my healing journey wasn’t physical—it was internal.
When I let go of the belief that I needed to earn food, I made space for a deeper partnership with my body. I stopped fighting it, and started listening to it. Supporting it.
This wasn’t about perfection. I still enjoy sweetness. I still indulge sometimes. But it’s no longer a reward. It’s a choice, without shame or guilt attached.
Food is not a prize. It is information. It’s support. It’s fuel for the life I’m building—whether that’s creating content, writing, traveling, performing, or simply having enough energy to be fully present with people I love.
As someone who has spent years healing from eating disorders and who now lives as a cancer thriver, I no longer take that partnership with my body for granted. I honor it. I protect it. And I feed it accordingly.
What happens when food stops being the finish line?
You stop chasing it. You stop fearing it. You stop making your sense of accomplishment or worth dependent on what you did or didn’t eat.
You wake up and ask yourself, “How do I want to feel?” And you choose your fuel based on that.
You move from survival to intention. From punishment to support. From noise to clarity.
This is what I want for anyone reading this who is still stuck in the loop:
The guilt loop.
The shame spiral.
The reward/punish cycle.
You are not broken. You are human. And your body deserves to be nourished.
Because your story isn’t over. And your energy, your strength, your clarity—they matter.
Not just so you can do more. But so you can live fully. Boldly. Deeply. Well.
Food is not the reward. Life is.
And you deserve to live it well.
If this resonated with you, and you want to dive deeper into my personal story—of healing, reclaiming my power, and navigating cancer recovery—you can read more in my book, Living Cancer Free.
I wrote it for anyone walking through the hard seasons. For anyone rebuilding. For anyone who wants to thrive in the body they’re in—one nourishing, empowered choice at a time.
Make it stand out
"Living Cancer Free"
A Warrior’s Fall and Rise Through Food, Addiction + Cancer (2018)
Available on: Softcover, eBook, Audio
